I went to my second People of Praise baby shower yesterday (the first being my own back in October). I love the structure of their baby showers. There is a time for praise and worship songs, a time for "sharings", where typically two moms offer their own wisdom on a selected topic, a time for praying over the mom-to-be, and a time to socialize and eat! The sharings for this baby shower were on the theme, "The Joy of Motherhood". Two moms of very large families shared about the everyday joys of being with their children. One of the women talked about her "vocation" to motherhood. I became increasingly uncomfortable as the sharings went on because I was unable to connect. Very little of what they said resonated with me. I felt lost and overwhelmed. I didn't stay for the socializing time because I was just too emotional. At the time, I couldn't really pinpoint why I was feeling that way. Even now it's hard to process.
I've always been different when it comes to this mom stuff. Everyone tells you how in love you will be from the very first moment you lay eyes on your baby. I wasn't. Sure, some of it was the drugs and the lack of sleep, the hunger, and the not-so-natural birth. But I think some of it is just me - part of who I am. I did have that "mama bear" instinct from the start. I didn't want anyone taking my baby out of my sight for any reason. I even yelled quite a bit at a photographer who wanted to take my baby's picture! But in those first weeks, even months, love was not the primary emotion I felt for my babies. I felt protective, but I also felt angry and frustrated... this little being, who I would lay down my life for, was really messing things up!
Thankfully, the love did come. Not in a flood like everyone tells you, but in a gradual way. Much like the love for my husband, it grows deeper every day.
So here I am, contemplating my vocation. I've made it 8 months. My goal was 2 years. My goal is two years? I just don't know....